Three things I learned while de-and-reconstructing my life

1. If I’m not living the life that I would want for my child (or anyone else), then things must change. I learned this one from Untamed (Glennon Doyle). Would I want my child to stay in an unhealthy relationship? No. So why was I? Would I want a loved one to abandon themselves over and over again in order to please others? Hell no. Well, then, some things in my life had to change. 
   
2. It’s ok to stop. It’s ok to let the soft animal of your body (Mary Oliver) tell you what it needs, and then respond accordingly. I wish I had listened to this before running myself into the ground, quite literally. Laying on my child’s bedroom floor, tears streaming down my face because I couldn’t take one more after hours text from my boss. I didn’t know how to hold the boundaries that were being constantly ignored anymore, so I threw up a giant wall and stood behind it to recover. It’s ok to change your mind when what you thought you wanted feels wrong. It’s ok to live your way into the questions, because that is how we live our way into the answers (Rainer Maria Rilke). 
   
3. I am not what I produce. My sense of self worth was tied up in my ability to produce and consume. That’s the messaging with which I was programmed. Except that is a lie told to us by capitalism and white supremacy and patriarchy, the three pillars of Grind Culture (Tricia Hersey). There’s a lot to unpack here, but the learning goes something like this: I am an inherently worthy being because I exist. I do not need to earn my right to exist on this earth. I have taken back my value and worth and am actively engaged in the work of decoupling it from how I support my family. I am not my job. I am not my role. I am a collection of atoms that has never existed before and never will exist again, and that is inherently precious. ​