Written on 10/12/2022 in the midst of a depressive spiral that had me disassociating and keeping myself small & avoiding building my business. It's a raw one.
Do not self sabotage, C. B. You are stronger than this. Follow the flow. Walk more. Move more. Do all that good self care you know how to do. It’s winter. Dig into the wintering stuff. Read. Write. Germinate. But be awake for it. Stay keen to it. Maybe there haven’t been any breadcrumbs b/c friend, you haven’t been looking.
Oh. damn. Tweaked my neck while typing that one. Neck pain. Hard to turn.
I’ve done it before. The stakes were high. I suppose they still are, really. Parenting is fucking hard. Perhaps it’s harder when I’m not all here. I am all here. Today I didn’t know what to do with myself while EB was playing - afraid that as soon as I started anything significant he would come in and interrupt and pull me away from it. Leaving me with a mess to clean up and a lost train of thought, etc… Today I decided to rest with him. It helped that both of the dogs were keen to join us on the couch. EB watched cartoons and I closed my eyes. For about an hour. I’m not sure I truly slept, but I was resting. And it felt good. He didn’t need me to be awake, he just needed me to be present. Napping, resting, is a form of presence. You’re not going anywhere when resting. No phone to draw the eye away, no sensory stimulus. Just resting in that exact moment. How vulnerable. How beautiful. How scary.
Rest is resistance. Tricia Hersey. I was thinking about this back in San Mateo, with the musar stuff. Change yourself, change the world. The only way TO change the world is to change yourself. BE the change, and all of that. Did that muse fly away b/c I let it just sit on my shoulder without giving it any attention? Without diving in with both feet?
Nothing to lose now, though, really. “Me, myself I got nothing to lose.”
Thinking about that song, “you and I will both get jobs, finally see what it means to be living.” Work is directly tied to living. To survival. This is the first time I’m experiencing that, I think. My privilege has run very deep and continues to. I am so grateful for this house, that is mine. I am so grateful for this roof over my head and this piece of land in the place that feels most like home to me. This is my home, has become my home. The road between my house and the beach is so well-trodden. I’ve driven it countless times. Walked it. Run it. This is my home. Finally see what it means to be living, for me, I think that means finally existing to exist.